By Jerry Bullock
Daily Record Columnist
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Today I want to share some thoughts about how to deal with anger. Most of us have experienced what happens when you place a pan of water on the stove, turn the burner on, and then forget about it. It is not a bad illustration of losing one's temper. First, it gets hot; then it comes to a boil; next it boils over on the stove; and then it evaporates.
It seems that one of the characteristics of the day in which we live is short tempers, ready at the drop of a hat to boil over. Like the pan of water, we are under many pressures today. I suppose you could argue that many voted for change, but nobody knew it would be anything like this: rising inflation, trillion-dollar deficits, immorality in high places, war against terrorism, and a health care bill most Americans opposed. I could go on, I suppose, for several pages enumerating unwanted changes.
All of these contribute to a short temper. With such pressures it doesn't take much to “lose it.” Our expectations are no longer based on a predictable environment. There are some things we can do about it, things that work for Christians and for non-Christians.
One thing that we can all do is to identify the problem, determine to whom it belongs, and attack the problem without attacking the person. Consider, for example, that your son Billy is not doing well in school. Being a good parent, you are concerned about Billy's grades.
Now whose problem is this? Billy does not see it as his problem because at this point Billy doesn't care. It's not the school's problem; they're doing their best to teach Billy. You're the one concerned about it and so you own the problem.
You now must study the problem and develop a plan for helping Billy to understand that he is the one who has a problem. You are not going to retain ownership of the problem. You want to help Billy fix it. Now you are able to attack the problem without yelling and screaming and, hopefully, Billy will start bringing up his grades.
Another key to changing an argument to a discussion is found in the book of Proverbs. It has been said that the Book of Proverbs in the Bible is one of the best psychology books ever written. Proverbs 15:1 (KJV) reads “A quiet answer turns away wrath.” That seems simple enough but it's not easy to do. We will normally begin the discussion at a conversational level; then one of the people raises his/her voice. The conventional thing to do is to answer with a little higher voice. That leads to pandemonium and a lose, lose confrontation. If either of you maintains your voice and a conversational level, the discussion will ultimately return to a conversational level and, who knows, we might even solve the problem.
Most of us would never become involved in a heated argument with a stranger. No, most of the time if we are yelling at someone, it is someone we love. Also most of the time the real issue is of little or no importance and will likely not even be remembered a couple of weeks from now.
Now that you know what to do the next time you feel that argument coming on, stop and think about what you're going to say. Then think about what you should say. Then, before you say anything sit down and write 100 times: This is what I should say.
The other recommendation that I have for those problems that come up between husband and wife is even simpler. Once a week, sit down together, read 1 Corinthians chapter 13, and make application of its principles.
This is a time when the world needs loving people. Unfortunately that does not describe all Christians. But Christ taught us to love one another. That alone will stop most confrontations.
Jerry Bullock has written his weekly column for the Daily Record for more than 20 years. Jerry is a retired Air Force colonel, an ordained Baptist minister, professional counselor, military historian, speaker, and writer. He is a native Texan tracing his Texas roots to the days of the Republic.
