Published: February 24, 2007 12:14 pm      

The boring truth about baby showers

It seems to me that when you are invited to one baby shower, there will be at least three more to follow. As they say, when it rains, it pours.

In my opinion, one of the many joys of being a parent is attending said baby showers and knowing, with unfaltering certainty, 90 percent of the gifts the new parents receive are completely unnecessary. Having done the baby part of child raising a couple of times, I know there are things out there that one may be lulled into thinking are very important to a brand new baby. It’s not our fault, we are lead to believe this by people who make a lot of money by selling us such things.

The truth is that very few “things” are actually needed to have a happy and healthy infant. But, if we all abided by this philosophy there would be little need for baby showers, and where is the fun in that?

Baby showers are one of the last times parents can appear rested, confident and well put together. After the baby comes those days are few and far between. It is after a baby comes that shaving both legs at the same time is a foolish dream belonging only to the deluded. We cannot and should not share this with the new parents. Frightening them is simply mean spirited and far less fun. It is always much better to let them figure it all out by themselves.

Baby showers are great in the sense that everything is so cute and perfect, which is so different from what really happens when a baby joins the family.

I do love all the little decadent items we adorn babies with. Tiny shoes and tiny hats accompanied with little miniature sunglasses that baby will refuse to wear are the type of thing moms live for. But this is what I mean by unnecessary stuff. This type of thing is designed and sold solely for adults. Babies have no use for such superfluous contrivances. To be more concise, they hate all of that stuff. If babies ruled the world there would be no clothing at all and certainly no socks or shoes, which are another example of things baby will gladly refuse to wear.

The things I found to be useful were the same old boring things that have been around for decades. The Onesie, a leotard with crotch snaps, is perhaps the greatest baby invention of all time. The only thing that could make any Onesie better, is to make it white so it can be bleached exactly one trillion times before it disintegrates into vapor.

I’m also a big fan of the nasal aspirator, dubbed the “sucky thing” in our house. That was one item I did not leave home without. It sucks anything out of anywhere; snot, spit, whatever, the sucky thing has it covered. If only vacuum cleaners worked with such steadfastness. I think this item may just come with baby. It is one of those things you never really remember paying for but always have around.

Baby toys are big shower gift item. The baby toy industry is intended for one purpose alone and that purpose is to relieve you of your cash. I have and continue to fall victim to the latest toy guaranteed to make your baby smarter and much more entertained than any other toy on the market. I have spent countless amounts of money on baby toys only to find out that babies are really only interested in keys.

As I said, we could share this hard earned information with new parents but this defeats the purpose of parenthood. That is learning from scratch and taking what knowledge will fit into your brain after learning all the words and motions to the Wiggles, Fruit Salad song. This is important stuff and experimental learning is key.

I am not saying what you should and should not give to a happy couple expecting a fabulous new addition to their lives. I’m just saying if you opt for the matching bedazzled frock and sock combo, know you have done a good thing but don’t hold your breath waiting to see the baby in it. Moms only pull out the really fancy stuff for the photographer, doctor and in-laws. While we can’t always count on babies loving the polyester/cotton blend we can be sure they will burp, urp and vomit several times a day. Babies are among the messiest fun on the market. Diapers, burp clothes and expendable clothing are what the baby needs.

Boring, but true.