Published: August 30, 2008 01:24 pm      

‘Rustic charm’ really means ‘no private bath’

Birding with Jerry Hall

I was reading a catalogue detailing various birding trips and came across this description of the road to be traveled in the “Mountains of Manu, Peru” tour:

“On our way to and from Amazonia Lodge, we travel from Cusco in our professionally driven bus over one of the most beautifully forested ribbons of road in Peru...”

I well remember that ribbon of road. I certainly understand why they would stress there is a professional driver because it is not for amateurs. It is narrow, unpaved dirt, carved into sides of Andean mountains, with tight switchback curves and steep, steep drop-offs hundreds of feet straight down. If you meet another vehicle, one of you has to back up until the road is wide enough to pass. The professional driver honks like crazy on blind curves to warn any oncoming vehicles of his approach. I think he also prays a lot.

That catalogue description got me thinking about other phrases you might run across in tour literature that could use some amplification. For example:

What they say: “We are adding a day in Johannesburg to our African Safari to allow participants more time to explore this fascinating city before heading out into the bush.”

What they mean: “We had to let people have a day to recover from that god-awful, horribly long flight to Africa. Too many were falling asleep and tumbling out of the Land Rovers.”

What they say: “Hide-Away Inn is an authentic Costa Rican nature lodge with its own rustic charm.”

What they mean: “Rooms don’t have private baths so you’ll have to share toilet facilities. And you may find a frog in your bed.”

What they say: “Guests are advised not to swim past the nets on this part of the Great Barrier Reef.”

What they mean: “You’ll be lucky to only be stung by jelly fish if you stay inside the net – go outside and we can almost guarantee you’ll encounter a salt water crocodile, a stingray or a hungry shark; maybe all three.”

What they say: “Some travelers may experience discomfort at the 12,000-feet altitude.”

What they mean: “You’ll swear your head’s going to explode and even your eyeballs will ache.”

Of course, some of the descriptions are right on the money. For example, telling about that same Manu, Peru trip: “At Amazonia Lodge, the feeders are abuzz with activity, and as many as a dozen species of hummers can be seen while we sit sipping lemonade on the veranda.”

That’s the truth. The lodge also provides excellent free bananas and I well remember the delightful hummingbirds – Gould’s jewelfront and Koepcke’s hermit, especially. And on the trails around the lodge, we saw prehistoric-looking hoatzins sitting shoulder to shoulder above ox bows of the river. And of course there was the fabulous Andean cock-of-the-rock on that same trip. A truly magnificent bird.

But don’t let anybody fool you about that road to Amazonia Lodge. It’s long, it’s scary and you’ll swear the bus is going over the edge. But, that said, it’s still worth the trip – even though there’s limited electricity and an occasional bat in the bathroom.