E-mail junkies on the prowl yet again

Features

November 6, 2009

Nell Cheslock The San Marcos Record Fri Nov 06, 2009, 09:23 AM CST

My grandmother often said “I heard” and “they say” are the two biggest liars in the country. Of course, that was before “.com” and “e-mail.”

Not long ago I got an e-mail that almost put me in the intensive care unit. I turned on my computer and there, in 24-point letters, was the ultimate attention grabbing message: “DO YOU LIKE LITTLE SWISS ROLLS?” I assumed they were offering free coupons so I immediately clicked it open and read: “SWISS ROLLS MAY CAUSE HEART ATTACKS.”

I don't care if they plaster a surgeon general's warning all over the box, I am not giving up my Little Debbie cakes.

Have you ever tried these little goodies with strawberries and ice cream? They make a great parfait, too. This light dessert is so easy to prepare even I can do it. Just slice and layer Swiss rolls with fresh strawberries, whipped cream and chocolate pudding. (It tastes best when served in a glass bowl on a pedestal.) The best thing about it is, unless you are prone to gain weight, it won't add a pound. And here is more good news: this delectable treat is a boon to our failing economy. It keeps the makers of cholesterol pills in business.

After I calmed down a bit I knew the E-mail Junkie League was at it again. They never sleep. Day and night, these little trolls are busy infiltrating an innocent world, sending out multiple horror stories and proclaiming that catastrophic devastation will befall you if you don't forward it to all your friends. They never say, “send this to my friends.”

It is always, “send this to YOUR friends.” That, in itself, sounds a little fishy to me.

Of course, some e-mails are helpful. Just recently, I learned that cleanliness can be deadly. I was sure it was an advertisement for a new deodorant, but I was wrong. The message was: “DANGEROUS GERMS ARE IN YOUR SHOWERHEAD.”

I immediately called a plumber. He had just arrived when I opened another email and read, “YOU MAY HAVE MALWARE THAT CARRIES A VIRUS.” I asked him if that virus was in my showerhead. He shook his head and said “Malware would be on your computer.”

He watched as I sprayed my keyboard with a good disinfectant. Then, not a moment too soon, another e-mail informed me that the president had declared the swine flu outbreak to be a national emergency. That certainly got my attention. For all I knew, thousands of deadly swine flu germs were not only in my showerhead but in my kitchen and bathroom faucets, too. He tried to convince me I wasn't likely to get the flu from my faucets but he stayed while I boiled them and didn't even charge me extra for waiting.

All e-mails aren't so helpful. I've lost count of the messages I've received informing me of political doom. Most of them have already been forwarded to thousands of people and but I want to make sure I am the last person to see them so delete them. I try to avoid them all but if I inadvertently open one, I check SNOPES.COM. They say SNOPES checks out everything. At least that's what I heard.

About half of the E-mail Junkie League e-mails imply that President Obama is a terrorist, or worse yet, a socialist. They are convinced that freedom in America is on its last leg. The other half blames former President Bush for everything. I wish the two of them would file slander and libel suits against this group. Between the two of them, there would be enough settlement money to pay off the rising deficit.

Just think, if we could get that debt paid, perhaps we could afford an extra box of Swiss rolls now and then.

Nell Cheslock is a three-year San Marcos resident and a member of the local Act IV Senior Drama Club. Her column appears monthly. E-mail Nell at ncheslock@gmail.com

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