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Monetizing the White House

Syndicated Columnist
Sunday, December 2, 2018

Money. Moolah. Cash. Dough. Scratch. Dinero. Benjamins. Greenbacks. Cabbage. Lettuce. Gravy. Whatever you call it, nobody ever has enough of it - you, me, poor people, rich people and even, apparently, America.

Republican Senator Mitch McConnell says the country needs to slash entitlements because of our huge deficit. What he fails to mention is he’s mostly responsible for that deficit because of the $1.5 trillion corporate tax cut pushed through earlier this year. Kind of like the kid who murders his parents then begs the court for mercy owing to him being an orphan.

Of course, now, with a change in the House of Representatives, you got a better chance of a wounded gazelle taking down a pride of lions than getting the Democrats to sign off on cuts to Social Security and Medicare. Unless, of course, it would increase their reelection prospects.

Fortunately we have a president who’s good at monetizing things. After all, he ran a string of casinos and hotels and golf courses and beauty pageants and football teams and airlines and universities and made plenty of money, right? With only a couple of bankruptcies. Okay, six. And a gazillion lawsuits, but still.

This nation needs someone who knows how to sell the presidency and the current occupant seems the perfect match. He’s already presented a Medal of Honor to the wife of his largest donor. If the rich are willing to drop big bucks for hunks of metal dangling from ribbons, we should do everything in our power to accommodate them.

There’s plenty more ways this Administration can raise money by offering items of interest for which the general public might be willing to cough up hard currency and here are just a few of the more marketable with fancy titles.

FIRST LADY MAKE OVER. An intensive one-hour beauty consultancy with the lovely Melania Knauss Trump.

RUMBLE IN THE TRUMPLE. Presidential son Eric will let you beat him at tic-tac-toe in the lobby of Trump Tower.

IMPEACHMENT POOL. A national lottery on what day the House will vote to impeach. Submissions closest to exact vote earn bonuses.

BEST FRIENDS FOREVER. High quality limited edition autographed photos of Vladimir Putin riding a horse shirtless. Not very limited.

WHY THIS NIGHT IS REALLY DIFFERENT PACKAGE. Ivanka Trump Kushner will attend your Seder and bring home-made matzo.

VICE PRESIDENTIAL SPA. A soothing back rub from VP Mike Pence. Note: cannot be performed in the presence of a woman.

ALTERNATIVE FACTS CAN BE FUN. Kellyanne Conway and Sarah Huckabee Sanders conduct a how-to webinar where they teach students how to dispute commonly held beliefs like gravity and nighttime. Self-delusion a pre-requirement.

PARS, PUTTS & PITCHES WITH THE POTUS. Round of golf with the Leader of the Free World. Mulligans not included.

MUNCHING WITH THE MUNCHKIN. Don Jr. will provide lunch at same restaurant table he ate with Natalia Veselnitskaya.

GRISLY IS AS GRISLY DOES. Private audio session with Mohammed bin Salman describing the action during Jamal Kashoggi’s “interrogation.”

REPRESENTATIVE YOU. Your very own US Congressional seat. (limited to residents of red states)

BOSS TWEETER. The president of the United States will mention you in a tweet.

BOSS SWEETER. The president of the United States will mention you in a tweet, favorably. Costs just a wee bit more.

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Will Durst is an award-winning, nationally acclaimed columnist, comic and former sod farmer in New Berlin, Wisconsin. For a calendar of personal appearances, including his new one-man show, “Durst Case Scenario,” visit willdurst.com .