Internet privacy. Forget about it. It's another of those oxymorons you hear so much about; like gluten-free dim sum or fully satisfied "Game of Thrones" fan or Donald Trump's Modern Guide to Etiquette and Manners. You have a better chance of finding a pod of humpback whales in your office cubicle than online security.
And the greatest threat in this confidentiality crisis is Facebook, the information octopus that disguises its sticky tentacles with cute kitten videos and pictures of grandmas blowing out birthday cake candles while it records your every keystroke. Every "like" of every post. Your favorite porn gif.
The situation has become so alarming, co-founder Chris Hughes called for the company to be broken up. Mark Zuckerberg says no need for that: he's learned his lesson and promises to be good from now on. And we can trust him, right? Because he's only lied about every privacy issue that's ever emerged so far. Ever.
