MARRIAGE AT A CROSSDEAR ABBY: I’m 55 and have been married to my husband for 22 years. He was diagnosed with an autoimmune disease 12 years ago. He’s mobile but on oxygen and has lost most of his stamina. At this point, everything in our life (friends, family and social life) revolves around his disease. He responds to any invitation we receive with, “We will see” which turns into a “no” or “I’d rather not,” on the day of the event. I am free to attend on my own. Many of my friends have never met my husband, and some joke that I’m not really married.
I can live with this situation except for the lack of intimacy and sex. Sex was never a central part of our relationship, but the nearly complete lack of intimacy over the last 10 years has been frustrating. If I try to discuss “my needs,” he gets defensive and says, “File for divorce then!”
Since the last blow-up a couple months ago, I have tried to ignore my needs, but that isn’t working. I am becoming judgmental and critical, and I know that living this way will make me increasingly resent him. My struggle is the thought of leaving someone I swore “for better or worse” with, for the selfishness of “my needs.” Any advice? – NEEDY IN ALASKA
